What I've learned about courage, confidence and fear

November 2022

"The things that give us immediate relief from our fear tend to feed that fear in the long term. Every time we say no to something because of fear, we reconfirm our belief that it wasn't safe or that we couldn't handle it."

Dr Julie Smith

  Why has nobody told me this before?

When was the last time you did something that scared you? Even just a little?

For my son it was at a recent Beaver Scouts activity camp. He climbed excitedly to the top of the launch tower of a pretty impressive zip wire, got his safety harness on, waved enthusiastically at his dad recording the moment on camera. He was all set.

Then came the little voice: "I’m scared daddy...I don't think I can do this." 

Hats off to him, less than a minute of calm but steady encouragement from the instructor and his ever patient dad cheering him on from the sidelines and off he went…and of course he loved it. So much so that he did it another 4 times!

That’s the annoying thing about fear – the only way to get rid of it is to go out and do the very thing that's scaring us! To quote Susan Jeffers:

“Every time you take a step into the unknown, you experience fear. There is no point in saying, “When I am no longer afraid, then I will do it.” You’ll be waiting for a long time. The fear is part of the package.”

As the title of Jeffers' best-selling book tells us, we need to just"Feel the fear and do it anyway!"

Simple right? In theory perhaps, but we all know it’s a lot trickier in practice. Especially if we don’t have an experienced instructor, supportive parent and a healthy dose of peer pressure from our fellow 7 year old Beaver Scouts to push us along!

I work with a number of clients who are struggling with their confidence. The confidence to apply for a new job, to speak up in meetings, or in a particular relationship, to present to large groups or to pursue something they’ve been putting off, for what now feels like too long.

We work together to identify what confidence means in their situation, the impact this is having on them, how they would like things to be different and what needs to happen to get them there.

The conversations take many forms but at a certain stage every client comes to the realisation that:

1. Confidence is not going to magically appear.

2. Confidence is not something that some are born with and others not, however it might appear from the outside.  

Confidence is a skill.

The great news is that this means it’s something we can get better at. However, like any ‘muscle’ we are looking to develop, we need to do some work and get a little uncomfortable in the process, which may well involve doing something that feels scary.  

This is where the fear piece comes in.

There is a common misconception that being confident means living fearlessly. In fact, the key to building confidence is quite the opposite: “It means we are willing to let fear be present as we do the things that matter to us” as Dr Julie Smith explains.

If you want to feel confident before you take action then you will be forever waiting.

Confidence comes from taking action – it is knowing that you are able to achieve something and having evidence to support your competency. It follows then that the only way confidence will grow is when you are willing to be without it. 

For this you need courage. Courage is what gets you off the starting blocks. The courage to take action without the certainty of what’s going to happen. Not the absence of fear but the bravery to act whilst feeling discomfort.

I am not for moment suggesting that we should all jump blindly into doing all the things that terrify us, but we need to learn to accept that fear will be there regardless. Moreover, it can actually be our friend. It is there to help us perform at our best.

Did you know that physiologically there is no difference in how your body reacts to fear compared to how it reacts to excitement? An increased breathing and heart rate, dilated pupils, sweaty palms are all signs that we are in a hyper-aware state as our body readies itself for action. The only difference between fear and excitement is what your brain is doing as your body is all agitated, and what your mind is telling you.

In this 3 minute video Simon Sinek explains how, equipped with this knowledge, we can learn to interpret nerves (which stem from fear) as excitement:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SUTInEaQ3Q

So tip number one: next time you feel scared or nervous, try changing your internal narrative from "I am so scared that..." to "I am excited because...."

Building on this, consider for a moment what happens when you step outside of your comfort zone, as illustrated in this simple model (Karl Rohnke):

Your comfort zone is where all your familiar, routine activities and interactions happen. The things we do on auto-pilot with little thought or preparation For most of us, we will spend the majority of our days in this zone. This is both expected and healthy. Comfort zone activities are safe, reassuring and recharging. They are important for our wellbeing as we feel competent and confident operating in this space. However, little learning or innovation takes place here and we may become bored, disengaged and demotivated if we spend all our time in this zone.

The area just beyond this secure and familiar environment is your stretch zone. When we move into this space, there is a sense of challenge and excitement, a rush of adrenalin or motivation but importantly, you do not feel overwhelmed or panicked.

Your panic zone, as the name suggests, is where we extend ourselves too far and become overloaded and overwhelmed. Here, our energy is used up by managing and trying to control our response to the situation, leaving very little for learning or growth. Sometimes we might find ourself in this space due a particular problem or situation outside of our control and have no option but to push through. The danger comes if we stay in this zone for extended periods, as it will likely have a detrimental impact on our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.

How can this help me?

We accept that to increase our confidence in any areas of our of life requires us to step outside of our comfort zone. Using this knowledge, you can conduct a simple audit to inspire action to develop your confidence.

Consider your life as a whole, or focus on specific areas of your life which are most important to you right now (e.g. work, relationships, social activities, physical or mental health and fitness) and estimate how much time as a percentage you are spending in each of the 3 zones.

Ask yourself:

• What do I notice about how much time I am spending in each zone?

• What impact is this having on me and my confidence?

• What one action can I commit to this week which sits outside my comfort zone?

Final point: 

Stepping outside of your comfort zone is never easy but it is the only way to develop your confidence. At the same time you will be building self-acceptance, self-compassion and an understanding of the value of fear and vulnerability which will support you in so many areas of your life.

The following can also help you on this journey:

• Share your action with a trusted individual e.g. a friend, colleague, coach or mentor. Having someone by your side, supporting and encouraging you will help spur you into action and builds accountability. 

• Be specific about the action you are going to take and when. Think about potential obstacles and what you will do to overcome these. This will make it more likely to happen.  

• Make time to reflect on the action you take. What was the impact? Accept that it might not result in what you’d hoped. What can you learn from this? What would you do differently next time? What might others have done? Remember you are your own worst critic and that feedback is key to learning. 

• Whatever the outcome, be sure to celebrate that you took the action in the first place which likely took a great deal of courage. Well done you!

Get in touch